Checking in

The last month has been a little…hard. Being back in the classroom has stirred up all kinds of things for me–more than I feel able to process and write about yet.

What I can say for sure right now is that 3 part-time jobs is insanity-making. Not just because it is impossible to do each of the jobs in the time allotted for it–which means that I am always short-changing something, and sometimes all things–but because the strain of it has zapped most of the joy out of things that usually fill me up.

I miss grocery shopping and cooking for the week on Monday mornings (after everyone else has gone to school).

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I miss doing little house projects and planning big ones.

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I miss writing here, and the way that doing it helps me revel in the ordinary beauty of our days.

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It’s not that there hasn’t been any time to make and do or that there hasn’t been abundance of all kinds filling our days.

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Lettuce from our own garden!

But pressures from outside home have been squelching the joy I usually find in the small, simple things of our life within it, and as the ways in which I use time have changed I can’t help questioning what I’ve done in the past and what I want to do in the future.

I know my dilemmas are those of a first-world nature. I have been remembering how things were for me in an earlier time, when living with relentless demand was all-the-time-with-no-end-in-sight. I know that for many, many, many people there is no promise of impending reprieve, little room in which to dream about or do anything that isn’t absolutely necessary.

All of which has me asking again the question that has been the spinal cord of these middle years of my life: How should we spend our days, the precious little time we have to be alive?

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I know that my ability to ask that question–with its implication of choice–is a luxury, not a burden. I have no answer for it today, because today all I can do is pin the fluttering questions down here, with these words, feeling fortunate to be able to do even that.

All I really know today is that this school year can’t end quickly enough for me. Two more weeks.

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