…but not really lost?
I mean, you know, generally, where you are–but you don’t know exactly where you are. And you don’t know how to get where it is you want to go.
Somehow, in the last 6 months, I seem to have lost my way.
I have worked hard, and blogged hard, and parented hard, and partnered hard, and it’s all feeling…hard.
That’s not where I want to be. It’s sure not where I’ve wanted to go.
When I was in high school, I took a student trip to Washington, DC. Near the end of the trip, we were given a day to go wherever we’d like to go on our own. No adults herding and protecting us. An amazing prospect to the over-protected girl I was.
Late in the afternoon, my friends and I got lost in Arlington National Cemetery. At first I felt panicked:
WE ARE LOST!
Lost was bad.
Lost was scary.
Lost was…hmmm, what was it, really?
I realized we weren’t going to die.
We weren’t going to get hurt. (Well, we might get a few blisters, but not really hurt.)
If we kept walking, we’d find our way out, and then we’d find our way to a train, and we’d get back to the hotel. There were people we could ask for help, if we needed to.
I could get where I wanted to go without knowing exactly how to get there.
Lost was more about my state of mind than anything else.
Sometimes, I think being lost means we look around and realize we’re not where we intended to be, and we’re not sure how to get to that destination we were aiming for.
We thought we were making the right turns, but we realize we didn’t.
And we’re not sure, if we tried to go back, that we’d even know where it was that we veered from going in the right direction to the (seemingly) wrong one.
There were probably a lot of small missteps and wrong turns along the way.
That’s when we realize that looking back isn’t going to help us move forward.
We are where we are.
The important thing is to figure out where to step next. And to figure out how to figure out where to step next.
“If you’re already working full-time, trying to raise a family, not exercising and skimping on sleep perhaps a blog isn’t for you right now. Your time for a blog may not be today.”
I love blogging. I just wrote about how much I love the creative work that goes into making a blog. I love the connections I’ve made with readers and other bloggers. It’s the most satisfying creative work I’ve done.
Better than writing a book of poetry. Better than anything I created as a teacher or trainer of teachers.
It takes a lot of time to do it well.
The most important creative work in front of me right now is that of making a family.
I want that to also be the most satisfying creative work I’ve done.
Right now, I’m feeling not unlike I did on that spring day several decades ago in our national cemetery, surrounded by rows and rows of white headstones that looked like a maze.
I’m thinking that I need to do what I did then:
Give fear and anxiety some time to settle down.
Really see where I am.
Figure out the next right step to take to get where I want to go.
Which means, for right now anyway, that things might get a little quiet here on the blog.
Today might not be my time for a blog. If that’s true, it will make me really sad. Interacting with those of you who read our blog has been a source of joy. But, it’s the kind of joy that needs to be icing on the cake.
Right now, I need to focus on the cake.
I hope you’ll check back (or subscribe so that you’ll see when we do get a post up.)
Wishing you well, and days that are sweet as brown sugar on bacon.
After yesterday’s comments, I can see that I haven’t been as clear as I’d like to be.
We’re not closing down shop here. We’re just slowing down.
For now. (“Now” might be a long time–but we’re not sure.)
In my last post, I wrote about how those with a creative passion need to pursue and express it. Writing has always been mine, and blogging has been the best (by far) medium for it.
I don’t believe any of us can serve our families joyfully if we deny ourselves something essential to who we are–whether that’s growing our own food, writing poems, sewing, living simply, volunteering time to our community, or…blogging.
While I am frustrated that I can’t both blog as much as I’d like and give to my family in the way I’d like, I am grateful that I have the luxury of blogging in whatever way I can make work. Not all creatives have that.
I’m guessing we’ll have another post up in a week or so. School starts Tuesday, and past experience tells me that’s a kinda crazy week, so we’ll see how it goes.
We have to keep blogging, in some form. Like Kat said, we can’t leave you hanging about the bathroom project…or the painting one.
We’re getting so close…